It has occurred to me that an ex of mine and maybe some of his friends still read my blogspot cause they obviously have nothing better to do with there pathetic lives. All I'm going to say on this matter is, I'm glad that my child is not yours too. I'd have to strangle and drowned it. Any child of his, would be absolutely hideous and as much of a bastard as him. Get a fucking life and a job looser.

Can we say wow.....?

Yeah so, I guess the last entry I wrote on here was really out there. I've been writing on xanga since that post because I moved back to my mom's and and for some reason it wouldn't let me post on blogger. Up, down and all around........ that's has been my life over the past months. I am still with Brandon, we just needed to get the hell out of Steve's cause it was driving both of us insane. We now have our own little dwelling and everything has been peaches and cream. In about 22 days, our daughter is due. I can't wait and neither can Brandon. We spent so much time preparing and getting ready for our new arrival. I realize now that I will be with Brandon for the rest of my life in one form or another. It feels really good to know that. I also had a recent visit from Eric. Rather odd considering we haven't spoken in 5 years but, we picked up where we left off and never missed a beat. Being with Brandon, my other half, and having Eric back in my life.............. I couldn't ask for more cause right now, this is what I need. Without Eric around all those years ago, I would be dead now and Kerina and Tyler.......... God only knows. They never forgot him and when he left to go back to NY, they cried and didn't want him to leave. He promised them and me that he would be back around December.

Anyway, Mike and I rented movies last night and I have to say that I was disappointed in some of them. We rented, The Card Player - good suspense film about a guy who kidnaps women and plays the police in a game of online poker for their life (original, yes; graphic, not enough), Seed of Chuckie - I was rather disappointed in this one I was hoping the kid would still be a baby, The Ring 2 - The first one was so much better but, then again, they always are, Carlos Menza - if you haven't seen it, rent it, funny stuff boys and girls, Helter Skelter - (the new version) I don't think that they could have depicted Charles Manson and his beliefs any better then if they had used Charles Manson himself, and KungFu Hustle - didn't watch yet.

That's all I got for now cause I have to make at least one level on WoW tonight, maybe I'll keep ya'all posted.

Bad Day

I find that listening to Linkin Park is the only thing can can calm me down. Sure, I mean the lyrics are powerful enough to drive someone to murder but, it's nice to know that other people feel the way I do and that I'm not alone. You can always tell when I'm in a pissy mood cause I'll blare that shit and I don't care who gets pissed about it. It makes me feel free for once since I've entered this prison. Nigel was right all this time. I am never going to change. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. There are certain things about a man that I will never, ever be able to get past. I realized the other day that I will never find that one perfect person to complete me. I felt I had found that person and then it all turned to shit on me, as it always does. You know it's kinda sick how much better I feel after listening to both Linkin Park cds. They are so right and that's exactly how my life is.

Title, Title, Who's got the title?

Well, it's seems as though I have the house all to myself. Steve's at work, Allen is out of town, and Brandon took Tyler snowboarding for the day. So now, what to do, what to do....... I haven't written in a while due to work and Brandon obsessing over World of Warcraft. I just realized that my uncle passed away one year ago, yesterday. I don't miss him any less. Also, I wasn't going to bring this up on here but, I figure the people who read this are either going to find out in another 3 months if they see me or they already know, I am with child. After all this time of being told I can't have children and then proving that theory time and time again, it finally happened. So, what do I do with all this time in between? Read, work, and occasionally, when I get the chance, I play World of Warcraft as well. Since Brandon used my Halo name for his night elf, Karmae, I decided to use the name I was going to name my little girl, Kali Nokomis - Goddess of the Dark Moon in Native American, for my gnome. She's so cute!!! Anyway, enough of that. I am going to go play WoW and forget all this mismash. Later.

Wonderful Blogger Templates

I decided to change my blogger template today. Do you think I can remember how to add my links container? No, of course not. It's not like I took this class in school or anything or like I haven't done it a couple of times on here. Anyway, I haven't written in a while because I don't really have anything to say that I wanna share with you guys. Sorry. I started working and Brandon plays World of Warcraft, what else is there to really say? Actually, I gotta go or I am going to be late for work. Later.

Christmas Eve

This has got to be the most miserable Christmas Eve I've ever had. Let me start off by saying, I've been sick all week. Everytime I think I'm feeling better, I go to sleep and wake up feeling worse. Usually Christmas Eve is when my family gets together at my dad's house. This year, they decided to go to my grandmother's house. Interesting story, I called my dad's house yesterday to find out what was going on with Christmas Day and my grandmother was there. I said hello and she wanted to know why I wasn't going to her house today. So, I said I wasn't invited but, if she wanted me to go, then I would. She said no, she would leave my present with my dad. Ok, fuck ya then. I called Trista today to see how she was doing. She talked to me for 5 mins. out of the 1/2 hour we were on the phone. I didn't get a word in edgewise. Brandon came home from work early today. From 12:30ish to 8:30 I seen the back of his head and Halo. He said he wished I played more Halo. Well, Halo 2 sucks ass and so do I so, why try when I'll never get any better? Brandon went to drop Steve off at a Christmas party and get something to eat at Denny's. He asked me if I wanted to go so, I could get out of the house. You know, that would be really nice but, I'm sick.

I miss the days when my entire family would get together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The days before Papa died. Every year that my family breaks more and more apart, I think more and more about the last Christmas my whole family spent together. The Christmas that I couldn't go to. I don't like to hold grudges but, my grandfather was the last thing holding our family together. There are only 2 days out of the year, Christmas and Thanksgiving, that I wish my family could just put aside their selfishness. Only 2 days out of 365 days of the fucking year and they can't do it. One of these days, I am going to get my entire family together on Christmas Eve. Nobody is bring fucking presents for anyone. They are all going to sit down and eat together and be happy. That's it. How hard is it? Also, this will be or first Christmas without my uncle, god rest his soul. I miss him a lot. I miss being able to tell him anything and everything that was on my mind. He was the last person to know EVERYTHING about me.

Nightmare

I woke up crying last night. It was the first time I've had a nightmare in a while. Usually I can't remember what goes on when I sleep but, for some reason, this nightmare got to me. I was living in a house with Brandon, a few years from now, when I find out that I'm pregnant. It struck me as odd from the start because, as most of you know, I can not conceive. I was delighted by the thought but, I wasn't because I wasn't sure how Brandon would react when he found out. We decided on keeping it because we weren't sure it would happen again. Just as I'm about to have the baby, it gets caught on the umbilical cord and ends up dying. I wake up hysterical at this point. It might not have meant anything or even upset me so much, if it hadn't seemed so real. Even now, as I'm writing about it, I'm choking up. I was never worried before about having kids. I mean, I've said maybe one day it would be nice but, I'll have to wait and see. I'm certainly not ready now but, the feeling I got from that nightmare was too overpowering for me. It stayed in the back of my mind all day and when I thought about it, I'd start welling up. Being with Bean and Ty all day didn't help much I'm sure. Brandon has told me before, when God thinks the time is right, I might be able to have kids. I want to believe that but, I don't at the same time.

Ok, on to other topics. I got all my wash done and ate dinner at my mom's house. When I got there today she was all like, "Awww..... I got a Christmas card from Nigel." My response, "Awww...... isn't that just fucking special!" I hope the trash enjoys it's Christmas card. I got to spend my day with Bill. What a fun time that was! He's on a lot of meds right now so he forgets what he's saying all the time. I must have heard about his kazaa experience 20 times. He downloaded it and now it's gone. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. What can you do? When Bean and Ty got home, they told me all about their day. I miss them so much sometimes. It's weird when you go from raising 2 kids and knowing everything about them to, they've grown up so fast you don't even know what they are capable of anymore. I helped Bean with her homework and Ty just flew right through his. This was an odd change for me. Kerina, the straight A student, failed a homework assignment. Tyler, the kid who doesn't do his homework, sits down, flighs through it like nothing, and then insist on telling me about the A he got on his test. I've been gone so long, I don't even know "my" kids anymore. Kerina is as tall as me now and Tyler, is just shy of that. How much they've grown up.

As I've found out, my mother has changed a lot too. I have nothing to say about this topic except, I'm glad she doesn't drink around me. Now, I'm home, writing a post and talking to Danny. Brandon is sitting behind me playing Halo 2. I rather like the set up of our room. We have no secrets. It's either him playing Halo and me on here or him on here and me watching a movie or him. Whichever is easiest for me at the time.
Ok, I'm now going to go seeing as I have a personal problem to attend to. Later.